Musings of Michi

When Jean asked me to write my favorite memory of Michelle I sat down at the computer, prepared to type out a humorous account of our escapades in the VW Cabriolet or beach parties or maybe trying not to laugh during school mass, there were so many from days gone by. They flooded back like a riptide and pulled me from tears to laughter and back to tears. But I couldn't type. I couldn't bring myself to write anything down. I was paralyzed. I kept thinking, how can she be gone? I just saw her last summer. I was so excited to show her my New York City inspired decor when she came back to visit. She can't be gone, she was just here, she was just alive.

I couldn't write it. If I wrote it, it meant that I accepted that she was just 'gone' and she couldn't really be gone. Could she?

So I waited... Maybe I needed to say goodbye first. So there I stood in the card store, looking at all the sympathy cards and trying to decide which one would be best. What can you say to Greg, her rock, her best friend, her true love? What can you say to her parents who lost their only child? What can you say to her family, her friends, everyone that loved her? Nothing seemed to say what I wanted to say. And then I heard her, in my head, I heard her say..

"Is this the best you can do?"

"We reconnect after years of being out of touch, we spend time together in NYC, I remind you how much you love to write and this is what you want to say?" She had that saucy smile while she said it. That classic 'You know I'm right' Michelle grin.

I smiled and walked out of the store, knowing I'd have no trouble writing now.

So while I could write down a million memories of Michelle, I'd rather write about what she meant to me and how she inspired me.

Michelle may have only been 38 years old but she lived. She wasn't afraid to live her life and speak her mind and most of all, she wasn't afraid to make a difference. How many of us can say we really made a difference in people's lives? Michelle could. She could say it proudly. She made a difference in her students lives and years from now they will look back and say 'Ms. Gray, she really cared about me and she made a difference in my life' or 'I am what I am today because she inspired me.'

She did that for a lot of us. She showed me what true courage was. She made me believe she was not letting cancer stop her. Oh it may slow her down occasionally, but it was not stopping her. She inspired me not to dwell on self pity, because life is too short to wallow in it. She may not have been Mrs. Yetman very long but she loved Greg and he loved her and together they made the best out of the time they were given. We should all be so lucky to love like that. Some people could live 100 years and never know what they knew and shared. I would rather have 10 years with someone who loves and accepts me completely than 100 years without.

When I visited Michelle and Greg last summer, Michelle gave me a copy of a story I had written in Jr. High. How she still had that? I have no idea, but she did. I had so loved to write and didn't anymore. She reminded me that when you love to do something you should do it. Don't put it aside for tomorrow, do it now. So I started writing again and couldn't wait to tell her about it. But she knows now. And even though she wasn't my teacher in school, she was my teacher in life. She taught me a priceless lesson, as my friend. Years from now I will look back and say 'Ms Gray? She made a difference in MY life, as my friend.' and that... that is worth a 1000 years of living.

For a Little While

"I'll lend you for a little while,
a child of mine" God said,
"for you to love the while she lives,
and mourn for when she's dead.

It may be two or three short years,
or twenty-two or three,
but will you, till I call her back,
take care of her for me?

She'll bring her charms to gladden you,
and should her stay be brief,
you'll have her lovely memories
as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay,
since all from earth return,
but there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.

I've looked the wide world over
in my search for teacher's true,
and from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you.

Now will you give her all your love?
Nor think the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to call,
to take her back again?"

God fancied he heard the parent's say,
"Dear Lord, thy will be done.
For all the joy the child shall bring,
the risk of grief I'll run.

I'll shelter her with tenderness,
I'll love her while I may,
and for the happiness I've known
forever grateful I'll stay.

But should the angels call for her,
much sooner than I planned,
I'll brave the bitter grief that comes,
and try to understand."

Hearts are dumb.

The heart is the most disobedient part of the body.

You can pretty much tell any other part of your body to listen to you and it usually does. Not the heart. I can tell mine over and over not to love someone or feel something and it completely ignores me. My brain tries to help and reason with the stubborn, irrational and overly emotional organ. It tells the heart all the logical and intellectual reasons why feeling that way is just completely destructive and unhealthy, and it just scoffs at the brain.

The heart just does what it wants without any concern to how much pain it can cause. So what can you do about it? Beats me. I've tried tricking it, distracting it, lying to it... nothing works. Even if I completely ignore it, it gets me back at night when I fall asleep. The brain rests and the heart takes over with it's silly dreams about things that will never happen. So... my point... none really, only that it should have come with an on off switch and life would be much more sensible.

"Cat Love"

"NO WAY!" was my response when my daughter suggested we care for an orphaned kitten. I knew what that meant. That was a classic example of a 'WE JOB'. You know the kind, someone suggests that WE do something together when what they really mean is YOU do it after THEY lose interest and your annoying sense of responsibility forces you to complete the task alone. I knew exactly what this was going to mean. WE would care for the kitten for the first 24 to 48 hours and then the burden of nightly bottle feedings and clean ups would be all mine. "NO WAY!" I repeated more for my benefit than hers. 'Just turn away. Don't look.' I told myself, knowing that if I looked back at the painfully tiny little orange ball of fur or the huge green now-tearing eyes of my grief stricken daughter, I would be lost forever. As I attempted to make my escape, I inadvertently looked back to see if my daughter was following and my eyes fell upon the thing I feared. My daughter was holding the teeniest little creature in the palm of her hand. DONE! That's it. I was finished! As I turned around and walked back through the door, my shoulders slouched in defeat.

It was exactly how I predicted. My daughter gave a valiant effort for the first several days, helping to nurse, bathe and clean the little orphan cat. After the fourth night of getting up to the sound of hungry little meows at 3 am, she decided that it was far too much sleep deprivation for her growing 9 yr old brain and I best take over the nightly duties to avoid condemning her to a life of arrested development.

Friday, the name given to him by my daughter, had become my sole responsibility. I fed him, cleaned his litter box and looked after him without a great deal of enthusiasm, interest or love. He was a cat after all. Cats come and go, they run away, get hit by cars and frequently are a great source of protein for local coyotes. I was not getting attached. Nope… not this time, no way Jose, not gonna happen.

Famous last words. In a few short weeks, the little ginger furball followed me around like a duckling. He even slept curled into the crook of my arm every night. Have you seen that commercial where the guy asks his cat to go on a picnic? That had become me. I was talking to my cat like a crazy person asking him if he wanted cuddles and kisses. What had become of me? Where was my resolve? I’ll tell you what happened. Cat love. That’s what happened. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Oh you can fight it, but resistance is futile… luckily though… the reward is priceless.